Easter break: Part 1

I have been on Osterferien (Easter break) and promised myself I would be super productive. And I was, until the point where I became discouraged because I wasn’t in school anymore. Prime example of Brittany: I can’t wait to get out of school for a bit, but the moment I’m out I feel the NEED to go back. It’s like some sort of drug, or at least an obligatory block of time where I am forced to be productive, which ends up doing loads for my self-esteem and mental health. I’m just not good at doing nothing, plain and simple. If I am unproductive for half a day I then feel awful, then punish myself for being unproductive by laying in bed doing nothing. It’s an endless cycle that can only be broken by school or work and when neither is present I just don’t feel good. Well anyway, the first half of vacation has been conquered. I read my first novel in German, which I am proud of, although not as proud of the actual content of said novel. Nevertheless, I have conquered a book sans dictionary (except for words that seemed vital, of course). In order to not become discouraged I have decided to make little steps in the types of books I read. So far I have started with children’s books, then onto younger kid books, now am on to around preteen aged books. It seems to be working out well because each one seems hard at first, but then I read, adjust, then bring myself to the level needed. This was also the case when I started my class here. It felt as if everyone was so much more advanced than I was, but I somehow still tested into the same class as them. Now, two months into it and I feel as if my level is equal, if not above that of most of most of my classmates because I spend around three hours studying every day before class and read books in my spare time.

Speaking of all this, I have been thinking a lot about university lately. I am very scared to go. I know that I am by no means stupid, but I am not sure if I am smart enough to go to Swiss university. We, as Americans, have been breed to think that Europeans are smarter, chicer, thinner and who knows what else than us. Now how can I honeslty believe that me being a good student at Missouri Western even matters when I will be in a lecture hall with two hundred Swiss people who each speak three or four languages and has had a far more successful academic career than I. It just doesn’t seem like I will be able to swim when thrown into the ocean of academia here. But at the same time, what am I going to do without school? Especially when I always knew I wanted to continue my education just because I am scared to fail. I am terrified to fail here, but feel like this is the only possible outcome when the prospect of writing an actual thesis is put in front of me.

So, I have decided to hold off on university until fall 2011. I feel this wave of expectations washing over me and I don’t think I can handle it all right now, because I just arrived here two months ago. University sign ups are in the next couple of weeks and I am so focused on German school and trying to function that I haven’t even thought about what I want to do. Then the deadline is put on the table and I’m expected to have something figured out and it is just not possible. I want to direct my focus towards German and take a Swiss German course also, therefore I am going to try to get an internship over the summer, and then take the winter German course in the fall. I think that if I take everything too quickly that things will end up falling apart because the pieces were just thrown together in order to make something for immediate use. And I don’t want to fall apart.

That was my two cents for the evening because I don’t want to overdo it. Will be writing about Barcelona soon. : )